Little did I imagine when I first was married that we would be on the road to adopting our next child. It was talked about and mentioned but never considered seriously enough to pursue. I'm overwhelmed with emotions, feelings, thoughts and joy about all this. After months of praying and fasting about it, we finally felt inspired and encouraged to start the process.
Over a year ago, July of 2008, I felt that I had received an asnwer to a prayer that had been said months before. I had asked Heavenly Father to help us know when the right time would be to have another child. I felt so strongly that we began trying. I was pregnant right away. It was a Miracle. We were all over-joyed and so very excited! I just knew we were doing the right things at the right time. Then on my first visit with the OBGYN the ultrasound showed no sign of a heart beat. I was about 7 weeks along. I don't think I had ever received such terrible news, ever, in my life. I was heart broken, but still had faith that a miracle could take place. That perhaps the Lord would make our baby's heart start beating.
I was scheduled to have another ultrasound a week or less later. It just seemed like forever. The ultrasound then showed no heart beat at all, again. I was devastated! I cried so hard until it just hurt my head and stomach. I felt nauseas. I felt pain in my chest, and my heart just ached. All I could do is cry!
That night we gathered the children and told them the news. Rob told the story of Job and how the Lord gives as well as He takes (Job 1: 21..."And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord"). It was a sad moment. I remember Juliette crying so hard, it was difficult to bear. But overall the kids understood.
A day or so later I had a successful "D and C" surgery and recovered very quickly. So, we tried again, and got pregnant. At about 7 weeks I miscarried naturally. I was heart broken. I had a visit with my OBGYN and he comforted me by encouraging me to try again if I felt good about it, but that I needed to have a normal cycle once and then I coud try again. This is when I really applied the Atonement and began to understand all that it could do for me to get me through my grief and find peace. I knew the Savior was feeling all that I was feeling and he knew my heart and thoughts. So, as soon as I could we tried again and got pregnant right away. But this time I miscarried at almost 6 weeks. I really cannot describe how I felt at this point. I had some mixed feelings and my grief was not as bad as what I had felt when I experienced my first miscarriage.
I felt immediate comfort and undescribable peace. I felt Heavenly Father's love for me. I knew the Savior was right beside me. I knew that I would get to see my three babies some day, that it was not a complete loss, that I was not a failure and that the miscarriages were not my fault. There was no coincidence for my experience. It was all for my good and growing. I was being refined and shaped into becoming who I needed to become at that time in my life. My faith, my hope, my dreams were all tested. I proved to be obedient when it came to receiving answers and following through with them. I didn't ask WHY! I just asked WHAT, HOW and WHEN.
If it wasn't for my miscarriages, we would have never considered Adoption as an option to adding on to our family. The first Fast Sunday after my last miscarriage, I fasted for guidance. I still felt that we were to have more children, at least one more. I couldn't shake off the feeling, but I was willing to say that if I was to be done, then I would be done. James handed me an Ensign magazine during Sacrament. As I flipped through the pages I came accross a success story of a young LDS couple that had placed their baby up for adoption through LDS Family Services. It hit me, as clear as glass, that this was the next step in our lives. Our next child would come through adoption. So, I did some researching and contacted LDS Family Services for guidance and information. I still didn't feel it was time to do anything so I let the case worker know that we were still praying and that we were not ready.
So, we prayed and fasted. I came across many forks on the road, many options, and many disappointments trying to choose which direction we shoud take to find our child. This is more complicated than any one thinks and a lot more involving...more time consuming too. Many of our options we thought we could take, we wouldn't even qualify for. For one, our family is already big, then our home is too small, etc. Very discouraging stuff.
We did take a break for a while and became a little more interested by November of 2009. We felt prompted to pursue this adoption, but didn't know how, when or with whom we would start the process. So many agencies to choose from, so many options, thank goodness for Prayer. About two weeks ago I woke up around 6am and the first thought I had was contact LDS Family Services again, that this was the way to go. I had it in my head that we were to adopt a toddler, so I asked LDSFSA if they offered such a possibility. Their reply was disappointing and it brought me doubt, they only do Infant adoptions. I questioned everything that I had been feeling all these months and the answers I (we) had received. I was filled with confusion and felt so doubtful. Thank goodness for a very loving husband who told me to share my feelings and not bottle them all in. So, during my Monday run with friends I was able to talk to my friend Jill more about all that I was feeling and my confusion. She helped me think of the reasons why I was feeling the way I was and why getting a Toddler versus an Infant was even an option. It made me realize that I was letting my feelings get in the way to fully doing and submitting my Will to doing the Lord's Will. I was humbled and felt very capable of doing whatever the Lord wanted us to do.
I came home that day feeling at peace with my previous answer, which is to go through LDSFSA. Regardless of our probabilities, we feel this is the path to take. The kids are more than excited about all this. They want a baby so badly and they don't care whether it is a boy ro a girl, which was shocking. James even came up with a girl's name which we all feel really good about. The name is
Evolet which means "the promise of life" How appropriate is that? Boy, if we get a girl, then James was one inspired kid. If it is a boy we will go with the same name we have had for year, which is
Spencer Mathias.
Now the paper work and praying begins. We contacted LDSFSA and they immediately booked us in and made the exception to make our first appointment, our first Interview as well. We were interviewed together for about 2 hours. All went very well. Sophia was with us and she was an angel. We are filled with much hope and faith. We feel good and so very excited about all this. We have no doubts, we have no fears. We are doing the right things, at the right time and with the right people. It feels good to be doing what the Lord wants us to do. We felt very optimistic and felt strongly about making some changes in our lives with ourselves and with our children to prepare for this baby to come into our home.
I personally feel that this will not take very long. The birth mother that will be carrying our child will find us sooner than we think. The timing and all that is taking place makes it seem that way to me. Rob feels it too. The case worker at the LDSFSA office made a comment to Rob that made him believe strongly that this will definitely happen sooner. We are all praying! Please keep us in your prayers and pray for the Birth Mother to find us. We will be posting our profile online soon and sending all of you an e-mail with ways that you could all help us spread the word that THE TOBLERS ARE LOOKING TO ADOPT THEIR NEXT CHILD.
Thanks for your support and friendships. Thanks for your love and compassion. We will keep you posted. Oh, I have also created a Blog just for the Birth Parents to read. It is under construction, but check it out once in a while and leave your comments.
http://www.lovedefinesus.blogspot.com/
P.S Sorry for the lengthy post. Excuse my bad grammar and if I didn't make any sense or forgot something, please forgive me. It is late and my parents are arriving in about an hour with Rob. They are here for a couple of days. YAY!